Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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