Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
