how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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