the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
