I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
