Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
did i walk over a car last night?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
