I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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