she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
