This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
