Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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