I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
