I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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