i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize