i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
