Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
