Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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