Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
