# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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