I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My dick has a subreddit
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
