Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
