Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
