I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize