dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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