I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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