apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
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