I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Panties = found
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
