He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
