You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
