Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
