the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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