If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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