so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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