Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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