You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
