oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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