I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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