oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
