Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
