I just cut my nipple shaving
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
