One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
