i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
