Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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