my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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