DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
