WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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