Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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