We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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