the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize