you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
