My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
