Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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