my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
