On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Can you bring me the toilet please
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
