All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
