I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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