fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
