Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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