I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
In America we eat man semen.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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