He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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