miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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