The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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