where am i from again
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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